Suburban life can be full of little surprises—some more colorful than others. When my new neighbor Lisa moved in next door, life as I knew it, with my husband Thompson and our 8-year-old son Jake, took an unexpected turn.
It all began on a quiet Tuesday while I was folding a mountain of Jake’s superhero underwear in his room. I glanced out of his window, nearly choking on my coffee at the sight that greeted me. There, proudly hanging on a clothesline, were a pair of hot pink lacy panties, flapping in the breeze like some kind of inappropriate flag.
And they weren’t alone. They had friends—an entire collection of colorful underwear dancing in the wind right outside Jake’s window.
“Well, this is just great,” I muttered, dropping a pair of Batman briefs back into the laundry pile. “Is this a clothesline or a Victoria’s Secret runway?”
Jake, curious as ever, asked, “Mom, why does Mrs. Lisa have her underwear outside?”
My face flushed. “Uh, sweetheart… Mrs. Lisa just really likes fresh air for her laundry. How about we close these curtains, huh? Give the laundry some privacy.”
“But, Mom,” Jake persisted, eyes wide with curiosity, “shouldn’t my Hulk undies go outside too? Maybe they can make friends with Mrs. Lisa’s underwear?”
I stifled a laugh, somewhere between amused and horrified. “Uh, no, honey. Your underwear is… shy. It likes staying inside where it’s cozy.”
This became our new routine—Jake’s innocent questions and my increasingly desperate attempts to shield him from Lisa’s laundry parade. Each day, I’d find myself strategically closing curtains, trying to distract Jake whenever he showed interest in the panty display.
One afternoon, as I was making a snack, Jake came in with his usual eager expression that always meant he had a question I wasn’t ready for. “Mom, why does Mrs. Lisa have so many different kinds of underwear? And why are some of them so small? Are they for her pet hamster?”
I nearly dropped the knife I was using to spread peanut butter. Imagining Lisa’s underwear being sized up for a hamster almost sent me over the edge. “Well, sweetheart, people have different tastes in clothes, even the ones we don’t usually see.”
Jake, ever the thinker, nodded thoughtfully. “So, it’s like how I like my superhero underwear, but for grown-ups? Does Mrs. Lisa fight crime too? Is that why her underwear is so small—for aerodynamics?”
I choked on my laughter, managing to say, “Not exactly, sweetie. She’s not a superhero, just… very confident.”
Jake nodded, but then, of course, he added, “If Mrs. Lisa can hang her underwear outside, can I hang mine too? I bet my Captain America boxers would look really cool flapping in the wind!”
“Sorry, buddy,” I replied, ruffling his hair. “Your underwear is special. It needs to stay hidden to protect your secret identity.”
But it was becoming clear that something needed to be done. Lisa’s undergarments were taking over our lives. It was time to have a chat with our new neighbor.
The next day, I marched over to Lisa’s house, determined to resolve the situation. I rang the doorbell and stood there, practicing my best polite smile—the kind I use for HOA meetings when defending my garden gnomes as “whimsical.”
Lisa answered the door, her hair shining like she had just stepped out of a shampoo ad. “Oh, hi there! Kristie, right?” she said, slightly frowning.
“That’s right! Listen, Lisa, I was hoping we could chat about something.”
She leaned against the doorframe, raising an eyebrow. “Oh? What’s on your mind? Need to borrow a cup of sugar or maybe a cup of courage?” Her eyes glanced pointedly at my oversized mom jeans.
Taking a deep breath, I reminded myself that jail orange wasn’t my color. “It’s about your laundry. Specifically, where you hang it.”
Lisa’s eyebrows arched. “My laundry? What about it? Too fashion-forward for the neighborhood?”
“Well, it’s right in front of my son’s window,” I explained, trying to keep my tone light. “Jake’s starting to ask questions, and, well, yesterday, he asked if your thongs were slingshots.”
Lisa laughed, not the slightest bit apologetic. “Oh honey, they’re just clothes. It’s not like I’m airing nuclear launch codes. Although, my leopard print bikini bottoms are pretty explosive.”
My eye twitched involuntarily. “I understand, but Jake is only eight. He’s curious. This morning he wanted to hang his superhero undies out there too.”
Lisa shrugged. “Sounds like a teachable moment. It’s my yard, Kristie. Maybe you need to loosen up.”
I felt my patience snap. “It’s my son’s window, Lisa, and he doesn’t need life lessons from your laundry line.”
Lisa waved dismissively. “Deal with it, Kristie. It’s my property. Or better yet, spice up your own laundry—I could give you some tips.”
With that, she slammed the door in my face. I stood there, stunned. “Oh, it is ON,” I muttered as I walked back home.
That night, a plan formed in my mind—a plan involving the gaudiest fabric I could find and my trusty sewing machine. I was about to show Lisa just how “fashion-forward” I could be.
Hours later, I had completed my masterpiece: the world’s largest, most obnoxious pair of granny panties. They were massive, the kind of panties that could double as a parachute, and bright enough to be seen from space. If Lisa’s laundry whispered, mine screamed.
The next day, I waited for Lisa to leave her house, and as soon as she was gone, I snuck over with my makeshift clothesline. I hung my creation right in front of her living room window. The huge flamingo-print granny panties flapped proudly in the wind. “Take that, Lisa,” I whispered, racing back to my house.
Back inside, I positioned myself at the window, waiting for Lisa’s reaction. Minutes felt like hours, but eventually, I heard her car pull up. Lisa stepped out, her arms full of shopping bags, and froze. Her jaw dropped as she stared at the massive granny panties swaying in the breeze.
“WHAT THE HELL…?” she yelled. “Is that a parachute? Did the circus come to town?”
I burst out laughing, tears streaming down my face. Lisa stormed over to the panties, yanking at them in frustration. It was like watching a Chihuahua try to take down a Great Dane.
I stepped outside, doing my best to look nonchalant. “Oh, hi Lisa! Doing some redecorating? Love what you’ve done with the place.”
“You!” she shrieked. “Are you trying to signal aircraft with these?”
I shrugged. “Just some laundry. Isn’t that what neighbors do? Starting a trend, right?”
Lisa, visibly fuming, finally said through gritted teeth, “Fine. You win. I’ll move my laundry. Just take this down.”
I extended my hand. “Deal. But for what it’s worth, flamingos are totally your color.”
From that day forward, Lisa’s laundry disappeared from Jake’s window view, and the panty parade came to an end. And as for those giant granny panties? They made a fabulous set of curtains for my craft room. Waste not, want not.
Jake still occasionally asked about the “underwear slingshots,” but I assured him that sometimes, being a superhero means keeping your undies a secret. And if he ever sees giant flamingo underwear flapping in the wind? Well, that’s just Mom saving the neighborhood, one ridiculous prank at a time