In a plot twist that could only happen in 2024, ABC has officially lost five major advertisers following the fallout from its controversial handling of the latest presidential debate. The network, known for its polished news broadcasts and long-standing tradition of hosting political events, has now been hit where it hurts most: its wallet. The post-debate advertiser exodus has cost ABC a whopping $27 million, with the network now vowing to never, ever host another debate again.
âWeâre done,â said an exasperated ABC spokesperson during an impromptu press conference. âWe hosted debates to promote democracy, but it turns out we were just promoting cancellations.â
The trouble began on Tuesday night when ABCâs moderators, David Muir and Linsey Davis, dared to do something radical during the presidential debate: they fact-checked. Real-time. On live television. As if anyone tunes into a presidential debate expecting the truth.
The moderators stopped former President Donald Trump mid-sentence several times to correct false claims, including his infamous assertion that Ohio immigrants were eating pets and that Democrats supported âexecuting babies after birth.â These moments, while earning applause from viewers who appreciate reality, didnât sit well with advertisers looking for a good, drama-free ROI on their millions.
One of the first advertisers to pull out was a luxury car brand, whose spokesperson lamented, âWhen we signed up to sponsor the debate, we didnât realize it would turn into a live fact-checking extravaganza. We expected a classy, uninterrupted political brawl, not a âGotcha!â fest.â
Soon after, a major fast-food chain followed suit, saying, âLook, weâre all for informed voting, but our customers donât come to ABC for facts. They come for spectacle. Our customers want to enjoy their burgers and fries without the uncomfortable side dish of reality-checking.â
And so, one by one, major advertisers jumped ship, leaving ABCâs finance department scrambling to figure out how they lost $27 million faster than Trump could shout âfake news!â
The debate, while a ratings hit, quickly became a nightmare for the networkâs marketing team. It wasnât just about the fact-checkingâit was the entire atmosphere. The moderators, despite their best efforts, had managed to alienate everyone. Trump supporters accused them of bias, Harris fans complained they were too soft, and even the ABC fact-checkers themselves reportedly filed grievances, claiming they were overworked and underappreciated.
But the real blow came when the advertisersâthose sweet, moneybags sponsorsâdecided theyâd had enough.
âWe paid for prime time ad spots, not political commentary,â fumed an executive from one of the now-absent sponsors. âI was halfway through our product placement for a high-end electric car when suddenly Muir is talking about Springfield, Ohioâs dog-eating crisis. Iâm sorry, but thatâs not the kind of attention weâre looking for.â
Another advertiser, a household cleaning product brand, pulled no punches in their criticism. âWe clean up messes, but ABC made one so big even our best-selling bleach canât fix it.â
ABCâs executives, faced with the harsh reality of a $27 million shortfall, still tried to salvage the situation. âLook, weâre not going to apologize for fact-checking,â said an unnamed ABC official. âIf we wanted to host a fantasy debate where people can just say anything and no one challenges it, weâd run a reality TV show. Oh wait, we already do.â
Despite this brave face, the financial blow was undeniable. Losing $27 million in a single swoop of advertiser rage doesnât just stingâit leaves a mark. And the executives at ABC, realizing they canât exactly bill the DNC or RNC for the damage, have made a bold decision: no more debates.
âWeâre done with debates. Completely,â the official continued. âNo more moderators getting yelled at, no more advertisers jumping ship, and no more real-time corrections that turn our stage into a game show where facts actually matter.â
So, what does this mean for future political debates? If ABCâs decision is any indication, the days of fact-checking, journalistic integrity, and high production value may be behind us.
Insiders suggest that the 2028 election debates will be unmoderated, unstructured, and held on the front lawns of the candidates themselves. âItâll be like the Wild West out there,â one political analyst joked. âJust candidates shouting at each other while the audience throws tomatoesâor tweets.â
In fact, ABCâs rivals are reportedly eyeing the situation closely, wondering whether they should get in on this new wave of debate-free debates. âWhy bother moderating at all?â asked one industry insider. âJust let the candidates talk for two hours, sell ad spots in between the shouting, and call it a night. No one fact-checks anywayâitâs all about entertainment now.â
As news of ABCâs advertising exodus spread, it became a trending topic on social media, where users debated not the issues of the candidates, but which brand was the first to bail. #WhoJumpedFirst quickly became the hashtag of the week.
âIâm just mad that my favorite cereal brand bailed before the second half of the debate,â tweeted one user. âNow Iâll never know if Trump was right about the aliens hiding in cornfields.â
Another user posted, âI wasnât even watching the debate, but Iâm here for the chaos. Losing $27 million in one night? Thatâs record-breaking!â
ABC, in damage control mode, tried to downplay the controversy by offering a free 30-day streaming trial for anyone who had been âemotionally affectedâ by the debate fallout. Spoiler alert: It didnât work.
For ABC, the future is now a murky, fact-checked-at-every-turn path. With $27 million gone and five major advertisers retreating faster than a political candidate faced with a tough question, the network has to reconsider its approach to hosting political events.
âWeâll still cover the news, obviously,â said the exasperated ABC spokesperson. âBut as for debates? Weâll leave those to the networks who are willing to take the risk. Maybe Fox News or CNN will be braver than usâor just more willing to lose $27 million.â
And so, with its final debate behind it, ABC bows out of the political stage, leaving behind a legacy of bold fact-checking, angry advertisers, and a pile of shredded contracts. But if thereâs one thing weâve learned from this ordeal, itâs that in 2024, even facts come with a price tagâand ABC is no longer willing to pay it.
NOTE: This is SATIRE, Not True.